Your teenager is dating someone, and something in you is uneasy. Maybe it is a gut feeling you cannot quite name. Maybe it is a specific worry. Maybe you just do not think this person is good for your kid. And every instinct you have is telling you to step in and put a stop to it.
That instinct makes sense. It also tends to backfire. Before you do anything, it helps to understand why.
Why pushing back usually backfires
There is a reason the oldest love story we tell is about two teenagers whose families tried to keep them apart. Pressure tends to strengthen a young relationship, not weaken it. When you forbid it, criticize the person, or lay out every reason it is a bad idea, you usually get one of two outcomes. Your teen digs in harder, now defending the relationship as a matter of loyalty. Or they take it underground, and you lose your window into what is actually happening.
Either way, you have traded influence for control, and lost both.
Your real job here
You cannot pick your teen’s relationships, and trying to will cost you more than it buys. What you can do is stay the person they come to. That is the whole game. If your teen keeps talking to you, you keep having influence. If they stop, you have none, no matter how right you were.
So the goal shifts. Not to end the relationship by force, but to keep the door open, stay close, and be the steady presence they can bring the truth to. Especially if it goes wrong.
First, figure out what kind of concern this is
This is the fork in the road, and it changes everything. There is a real difference between “I do not care for this kid” and “this relationship is not safe.” Sort out which one you are dealing with before you decide what to do.
If it is discomfort, mostly bite your tongue
If your concern is taste, personality, a vibe, the fact that they are not who you pictured, this is the moment for restraint. Teen dating is practice. It is how young people learn what they want, what they do not, and how relationships actually work. Some of that learning only comes from a relationship that does not last, and that is not a failure. It is the point.
You are allowed one honest, calm observation. Lead with curiosity, not a verdict. Ask what they like about the person. Share something you noticed rather than something you concluded. “I noticed you seem quieter since you two started dating, is everything okay?” lands very differently than “I do not like them and here is why.” Say your piece once, kindly, then trust your teen and keep the relationship with them warm. They are watching how you handle it.
If it is a red flag, step in
Discomfort is one thing. Safety is another, and it deserves a different response. Teen dating violence is more common than most parents realize. Roughly one in twelve high school students reports experiencing physical or sexual dating violence in a year, and emotional control can start long before anything physical.
Take it seriously if you see:
- Your teen pulling away from friends and family, spending time only with their partner
- Constant texting that reads more like monitoring than affection, needing to know where they are at all times
- Jealousy or controlling behavior framed as love
- Put-downs, criticism, or your teen seeming smaller and less confident
- Fear of how the partner will react, or walking on eggshells
- Pressure of any kind, physical or emotional
If this is what you are seeing, stay calm and stay close. Do not attack the partner, which can push your teen to defend them. Name what you notice, express care for your teen, and keep the door wide open. This is also exactly the point to bring in help. A counselor can support your teen in seeing what they may not be able to see from the inside.
How we help
At Concord Family Counseling in Brentwood, we work with teenagers and their families on relationships, boundaries, self-worth, and the hard stretches of growing up. If you are worried about your teen, or the two of you are stuck, we would be glad to help. Learn more about counseling for teens at our practice.
Common questions
Should I let my teen date someone I do not like?
If your concern is personality or preference rather than safety, usually yes. Forbidding a relationship tends to strengthen it and push it out of your view. Staying close and keeping communication open protects your teen more than a ban does.
How do I talk to my teen about a relationship I am worried about?
Lead with curiosity, not accusation. Ask questions, share what you have noticed rather than what you have concluded, and say your concern calmly and briefly. Then keep the relationship with your teen warm, so they keep coming to you.
What are the signs of an unhealthy teen relationship?
Isolation from friends and family, controlling or jealous behavior, constant monitoring, put-downs, a drop in confidence, fear, or pressure of any kind. These are safety concerns, not preferences, and they call for you to step in and often to get support.
Should I forbid my teen from dating someone?
Outright bans usually backfire unless there is a genuine safety issue. Even then, the more effective move is to stay connected, name your concerns without attacking, and involve a counselor, rather than issuing an ultimatum that drives the relationship underground.
Lydia Thompson, LPC-MHSP, is a licensed therapist and the owner of Concord Family Counseling in Brentwood, Tennessee.
Worried about your teen’s relationship?
You do not have to figure out the right move alone. Let’s talk it through.
Or learn more about counseling for teens at our Brentwood practice.