As a therapist, I can’t tell you how often I hear someone say, “I’m just a perfectionist,” with a half-laugh — like it’s a quirky trait or a humblebrag. But as we keep talking, it becomes clear: it’s not a joke. It’s a quiet weight they’ve been carrying for years.
Perfectionism isn’t just wanting to do well. It’s feeling like you have to — that if you’re not perfect, you’ve failed. It’s the voice that says, “You should’ve done more,” even when you’re exhausted. It’s the guilt that creeps in when you rest. It’s the fear that if people really knew you — the messy, unsure, human parts — they might not stick around.
Perfectionism is one of the most common threads I see in my office. And while it often masquerades as ambition or high standards, underneath it is usually fear, shame, and a deep longing to feel worthy.
Let’s take a closer look at what perfectionism really is — and how therapy can help you loosen its grip.
What is perfectionism?
At its core, perfectionism is more than just a desire to do well. It’s the belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable — and that our worth depends on meeting unrealistic standards.
People with perfectionistic tendencies often:
- Set impossibly high expectations for themselves (and sometimes others),
- Struggle to celebrate accomplishments,
- Fear failure or criticism deeply,
- Procrastinate out of fear they won’t do something “right,”
- Feel anxious or ashamed even when things go well — because it could’ve been better.
Importantly, perfectionism isn’t the same as striving for excellence. It’s not about healthy ambition or taking pride in your work. Perfectionism is driven by fear — fear of judgment, of not being enough, of losing control.
What Perfectionism Isn’t
Perfectionism isn’t just “being organized” or “having high standards.” And it definitely isn’t a quirky personality trait to joke about. At its most intense, perfectionism can interfere with your mental health, relationships, and ability to enjoy life.
Here’s what it’s not:
- A motivator. (Perfectionism often leads to burnout or avoidance, not better results.)
- A sign of capability. (Many high-achieving people succeed *despite* their perfectionism, not because of it.)
- A personality type you’re stuck with. (Perfectionism is a learned pattern — and it can be unlearned.)
How Perfectionism Shows Up in Everyday Life
Perfectionism can be sneaky. Here are a few examples:
- At work: You spend hours rewriting an email or hesitate to submit a project until it’s flawless — even if it’s past deadline.
- At home: You feel guilty if the house isn’t spotless, even after a long day.
- In relationships: You fear vulnerability or mistakes, believing that if people saw the “real” you, they might walk away.
- In parenting: You hold yourself to impossible standards, comparing yourself to the highlight reels you see on social media.
- With yourself: You criticize your body, your productivity, or even how you *rest,* believing you should always be “better.”
If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone.
The Mental Health Impact
Over time, perfectionism can lead to:
- Chronic stress or anxiety
- Depression
- Procrastination or burnout
- Low self-worth
- Disconnection from others
- Difficulty making decisions or taking risks
It’s like living with a relentless inner critic that’s never satisfied. And it’s exhausting.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a space to explore the roots of perfectionism — where those standards came from, what they’re protecting you from, and how they’re no longer serving you.
A therapist can help you:
- Notice and challenge perfectionistic thoughts
- Practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism
- Set realistic, flexible goals
- Build tolerance for mistakes, messiness, and uncertainty
- Connect your worth to who you are, not what you do
You don’t have to be perfect to be loved, successful, or whole. Healing from perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards — it’s about learning to live with more freedom, flexibility, and self-acceptance.
If you’re tired of feeling like you’re never enough, therapy can help you rewrite that story. Contact us to see how we can help.